What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
Last Updated: 02.07.2025 00:06
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
I have no regrets .
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So whats the point in blame.
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
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My mum and dad in the seventies!
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
What is a good comeback for when someone calls you flat?
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
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She died at 55 of colon cancer.
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
When she asked me how she looked .
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She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
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Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
Im still living with it.
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Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
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I was seconnd youngest,
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
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Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
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She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
I was 9 years of age.
We all went to grammer schools
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Im dying but, im not bitter.
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
Comes on , in middle age.
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
Was to survive, this bastard.
I never cut or harmed myself..
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
One cannot live in the past .
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
She married twice! .
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
I couldn’t, believe it.
But, we were locked up after school.
But it wasn’t much.
My family never makes their pension either.
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
She was in good health!
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
Ive learnt so much.
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
They are buried together, in the same grave..
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
All the time i was locked up.
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
She loved him until the end.
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
I don,t even have a pension.
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
Put me off passion for life!!
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
He knew the spot.
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
Why did i forgive my father ?
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
She found it foreign!.
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
My life is so biszare .
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
I think the readers, may guess!
I could never make a relationship work though!
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
What did i know ?
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
On the 31st of Jan this month .
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
I know ,a lot about trauma.
But ive been too sick for many years..
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
I did it because my mum asked me too!
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
And i lived it daily.
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
I had hoped to write a book about this .
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
The only rule us 5 kids had .
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
So, i spoilt her more .
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
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This is how, and why children get BPD.
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
And who doesn’t know suffering?
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
I was scared of men, in general
She wouldn,t have been !
This is soul school!.
I was very sick at this time too.
It was going to be , some day.
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
I will be 64.
Especially a lifetime of it.
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
He resisted the act ,that day.
He was dying to do it , i knew.
I write beautiful poetry .
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
As i do to all so called friends.?
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
Who then, do I blame.?
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
We were not on the streets..
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
(And it was in our own minds.)
I said to her
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
I waited trembling.
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
Would this be the day?